Apart from family and a few friends, the people surrounding me were not aware of what was going on. Throughout the company it was ‘business as usual’, we were attaining new customers, signing contracts, recruiting employees, managing projects.
So when I first notified my boss of my decision to resign his response was indifference, as If I was not serious and will soon come to my senses. He knew I was unhappy, we had our disagreements. Yet my employer believed he gave me the chance of a lifetime, and that I was to be grateful. Walking away was inconceivable. It was business as usual.
A few weeks later I came to meet him again to assert my resignation. Now indifference was replaced with contempt. It was considered a selfish act, and there was no chance this was going to be accepted easily. I felt like Moses pleading Pharaoh, “let my people go”. It was intense conflict.
Eventually we had negotiated an agreement in which I would give the firm as much time as needed to find a replacement and reorganize. Meanwhile I would keep my resignation a secret until a proper communication plan was issued. Communication was the number one concern of my employer. He had built this firm from scratch and feared this affair would endanger the business.
Pretending ‘business as usual’ under these circumstances was not my cup of tea. Think of a couple who decides to divorce yet continues to share the same bed and keep it a secret from the children and relatives. How long can it be sustained? We kept on like this for four months.Then, one morning, my boss called me to inform me of his proposed ‘communication plan’. I would finish my work quietly, without farewells, and the firm would spread the word that, “I was in a condition that no longer enabled me to function”. “The ‘condition’ would not be described, apart from it requiring me to take a rest”. Shocked and disgraced, I refused to accept this so called ‘communication plan’. More so, he informed the VPs of my resignation and discussed his ‘communication plan’ with them. Allegedly all were in agreement that it was the right thing to do. I found it hard to believe, yet I understood it was beyond my control, the rumor would be spread and was probably already in the making.
I could not fall asleep and stay asleep. I suffered from repetitive negative thoughts about what was about to happen, and feared rumors of me becoming ill would realize and that I would go crazy. I was in agony and developed a condition of acute insomnia. For the first time in my life I went to a psychiatrist for stress relief and sleep medication. But medications produced a superficial sleep. I would wake up drowsy and weary. I also feared side effects and addiction that may follow prolonged use of sleeping pills. I was fatigued yet kept on going, trying to pretend “business as usual’. Life was a nightmare.
About 15 years earlier, while I was a BSc. student of Industrial Engineering, I traveled India for the summer vacation. On my trip I arrived at Pune, home of the OSHO International Meditation Resort. I recalled a conversation I had with another traveler I met at the German Bakery, a popular meeting spot for Western travelers. He told me he has been practicing meditation and thus had developed the ability to shut down his mind or turn it on at will. He said he was able to use his mind when he needed it and turn it off when he didn’t. It was intriguing, but not enough for me to act upon. I had no need to ‘turn off my mind’, and I certainly didn’t think I was the type of person who could sit down quietly for more than a few seconds.
Now, in my despair I remembered that conversation in the German Bakery. I had to shut down those obsessive thoughts that deprived me of sleep. I was ready to give meditation a chance. So I Googled for “Meditation” and found Transcendental Meditation. I signed up for lessons and started practicing the technique. What I have learned was that we cannot shut down our mind, but we can become aware of the nature of our consciousness. By observing my thought process I could see my thoughts for what they were, just thoughts. Numerous, sometimes chaotic, spontaneous and disjointed neural activity. When you see your thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, you take them less seriously. The drama subsides, the stress is relieved from the body and mind. Within two weeks I was sleeping naturally. I had the energy and peace of mind to see this resignation process through, and even enjoy those last months of stable income.
Today, four years after these events I can find some understanding and forgiveness. Often people who accumulate wealth, high managerial position, or political power fear of losing what they have gained. Fear and power are a lethal mixture. News, literature and cinema are full of examples. Yet it’s one thing to read or hear about others, and another to actually experience it.
I have been with the firm for 15 years. Most of those years were wonderful, packed with challenges, camaraderie and learning. Now this chapter in life was coming to a close. At last I was free of my duties and clear to consider the future. A new chapter of possibility was about to start.
Chapter - 3
So when I first notified my boss of my decision to resign his response was indifference, as If I was not serious and will soon come to my senses. He knew I was unhappy, we had our disagreements. Yet my employer believed he gave me the chance of a lifetime, and that I was to be grateful. Walking away was inconceivable. It was business as usual.
A few weeks later I came to meet him again to assert my resignation. Now indifference was replaced with contempt. It was considered a selfish act, and there was no chance this was going to be accepted easily. I felt like Moses pleading Pharaoh, “let my people go”. It was intense conflict.
Eventually we had negotiated an agreement in which I would give the firm as much time as needed to find a replacement and reorganize. Meanwhile I would keep my resignation a secret until a proper communication plan was issued. Communication was the number one concern of my employer. He had built this firm from scratch and feared this affair would endanger the business.
Pretending ‘business as usual’ under these circumstances was not my cup of tea. Think of a couple who decides to divorce yet continues to share the same bed and keep it a secret from the children and relatives. How long can it be sustained? We kept on like this for four months.Then, one morning, my boss called me to inform me of his proposed ‘communication plan’. I would finish my work quietly, without farewells, and the firm would spread the word that, “I was in a condition that no longer enabled me to function”. “The ‘condition’ would not be described, apart from it requiring me to take a rest”. Shocked and disgraced, I refused to accept this so called ‘communication plan’. More so, he informed the VPs of my resignation and discussed his ‘communication plan’ with them. Allegedly all were in agreement that it was the right thing to do. I found it hard to believe, yet I understood it was beyond my control, the rumor would be spread and was probably already in the making.
I could not fall asleep and stay asleep. I suffered from repetitive negative thoughts about what was about to happen, and feared rumors of me becoming ill would realize and that I would go crazy. I was in agony and developed a condition of acute insomnia. For the first time in my life I went to a psychiatrist for stress relief and sleep medication. But medications produced a superficial sleep. I would wake up drowsy and weary. I also feared side effects and addiction that may follow prolonged use of sleeping pills. I was fatigued yet kept on going, trying to pretend “business as usual’. Life was a nightmare.
About 15 years earlier, while I was a BSc. student of Industrial Engineering, I traveled India for the summer vacation. On my trip I arrived at Pune, home of the OSHO International Meditation Resort. I recalled a conversation I had with another traveler I met at the German Bakery, a popular meeting spot for Western travelers. He told me he has been practicing meditation and thus had developed the ability to shut down his mind or turn it on at will. He said he was able to use his mind when he needed it and turn it off when he didn’t. It was intriguing, but not enough for me to act upon. I had no need to ‘turn off my mind’, and I certainly didn’t think I was the type of person who could sit down quietly for more than a few seconds.
Now, in my despair I remembered that conversation in the German Bakery. I had to shut down those obsessive thoughts that deprived me of sleep. I was ready to give meditation a chance. So I Googled for “Meditation” and found Transcendental Meditation. I signed up for lessons and started practicing the technique. What I have learned was that we cannot shut down our mind, but we can become aware of the nature of our consciousness. By observing my thought process I could see my thoughts for what they were, just thoughts. Numerous, sometimes chaotic, spontaneous and disjointed neural activity. When you see your thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, you take them less seriously. The drama subsides, the stress is relieved from the body and mind. Within two weeks I was sleeping naturally. I had the energy and peace of mind to see this resignation process through, and even enjoy those last months of stable income.
Today, four years after these events I can find some understanding and forgiveness. Often people who accumulate wealth, high managerial position, or political power fear of losing what they have gained. Fear and power are a lethal mixture. News, literature and cinema are full of examples. Yet it’s one thing to read or hear about others, and another to actually experience it.
I have been with the firm for 15 years. Most of those years were wonderful, packed with challenges, camaraderie and learning. Now this chapter in life was coming to a close. At last I was free of my duties and clear to consider the future. A new chapter of possibility was about to start.
Chapter - 3
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