I was about to leave behind 15 years of career with the firm. I did not know where I would go or what I would do. But I was determined to be self-employed. To be my own boss, to set my own targets, and go at my own pace. A frightened, pessimistic voice inside my head called me to stop. The voice knew it’s a tough world out there and provided good reasons why I should fear.
- What are you going to do?
- How will you make money?
- What if you don’t make enough money?
- Your savings will burn out within 18 months. You’ve got just 18 months!!!
- You can’t burn out your savings.You’ll need them when you’ll be elderly.
- You must keep your savings for emergencies.
- A corporate career is child’s play compared to going solo in the real world..
- You don’t have what it takes; you’re not a salesman, you’re not a businessman. You don’t swim with the sharks, you don’t run with the wolfs.
- You’ll end up like those prison inmates that can’t make it on the outside and return to life behind bars.
- You’ll come crawling back, asking for a job.
These were not momentary thoughts, they were powerful self-limiting beliefs. I could not dismiss them with “think positive”, “believe in yourself” or other such motivational slogans. I perceived life as a struggle - the survival of the fittests. The successful businessmen I met so far were wolves, superior and skilled at deception and manipulation, far from who I was or whom I wanted to be. Throughout the years I developed strengths that enabled me to prevail in this environment, but I had an Achilles' heel as well. When it came to caring for my own interests and well being, I could not draw the lines. I could not have an open, eye-level dialogue with superiors whom I did not respect. Instead, I would clench my teeth and fists, keep to my own, and build a grudge.
Most of us have self-limiting beliefs and habits that affect various aspects of our life. Some believe they are limited by a glass ceiling. Some feel lonely in a relationship, others can’t find a relationship. Some feel they are not fulfilling their potential. Some feel they ticked all the checklists, but something's still missing. Some struggle to keep their head above the water. Others feel they have drowned and wish it would be over. As I would soon learn, such feelings are not a product of the present.
My coach reflected my beliefs back to me, and asked how I knew them to be true. She was questioning what I had considered to be obvious. “That’s life” I said, I didn’t have a better answer. Apparently, what was obvious to me was clearly not obvious to her, it was something to challenge. I didn’t enjoy life in the rat race, it’s values were different from mine. So even if there was the slightest chance to make a difference, I was willing to open to the possibility that I was wrong. We were about to reveal ‘the Matrix’. and I was ready to take the ‘red pill’.
How do our paradigms and perceptions of life come about? Apparently they form early in life. Various schools of developmental psychologists, associate our development to different stages of infancy, childhood and adolescence. Yet, it is commonly accepted that by the time we reach our early twenties our personality, our habits and beliefs are conditioned. From there onwards we just repeat patterns. We have patterns of response, we have emotional patterns and patterns of thinking. We look upon the world through the tinted and biased glasses of our childhood experiences, and we interpret events to suit conditioned agendas.
As babies we are totally dependent on our parents. We are born dependent and nurturing has shapes the person we become. For example, Avigail, my ten months baby is not fond of diaper changing. As I try to change her diaper she may roll on her belly or arch her back and scream. Changing diapers is not my pleasurable pastime either, especially if I am preoccupied or in a hurry. We are in conflict - I want to get it done, she does not, If I lose my patience, the conflict will become physical. A baby is no match to an adult, and if I hold her down forcefully her experience of diaper changing will be of oppression - the exercise of authority in a cruel, or unjust manner. The upbringing of children provokes conflicts and it can bring us to unnerving situations. Children can be very difficult at times, and as parents we may feel helpless. But if we lose our nerves, if we use force and aggression we oppress our children and we can make an imprint on their body and soul for the rest of their life.
Today I understand this, but at first I refused to consider it. To think that my relationship with my boss was somehow a reproduction of my childhood experience came to me as a great surprise. When my coach proposed we look into my childhood to understand my current behavior I resisted. I wanted executive coaching, not psychological therapy, and I didn’t like where this was going. I considered my childhood a matter of the past, and saw no point in reopening it. Lucky for me, my coach was a professional. She understood resistance was part of the process, and lead the way with patience and compassion.
I am the eldest of four siblings. My parents were 23 when they had me. Two years later came my first brother and the second was born two years after. So, at the young age of 27 my parents had three boys to handle. Our sister was born much later, when I was 13. In retrospect I think the three of us were too much for my parents to handle at such a young age. They both studied and worked hard, especially my father who always came home late, tired and stressed up. House rules were non-negotiable and crossing lines was unyieldingly punished. Gradually I developed a passive-aggressive attitude towards my parents. In the early years it was passive rather than aggressive, because aggressive conduct was punished with even greater aggression. There was no dialogue, harsh events were never discussed and reconciled. At age 16 I rebelled and became a raging teenager. I did not speak a word with my parents for more than two years. I kept to myself clenched my teeth and fists and feed my feelings of victimization with even more anger. Eventually, during my military service I tired from rebelling. Life went on, but those years were never spoken of, the experiences were never processed. We locked them away and threw the keys.
Twenty-six years later, at age 42, and with the guidance of my coach, the wounds were reopened. Gradually it became clear, I saw the pattern of my relationship with authority figures. It repeated itself again and again. When I had supervisors who I could look up to and gave me a free hand, I flourished. But whenever I faced a supervisor who I did not appreciate, or I felt he was limiting my freedom I would rebel. Usually I would bottle up my feelings and shut off verbally and just do my own thing, accumulating my anger. My conditioning confined my possibility of having an eye-level dialogue with authority figures. It happened with quite a few commanding officers in the military and now it was happening again as I lost faith in my boss and did not want to follow his guidelines.
Born free spirited and restrained by upbringing, I carried my restraints into adulthood by preserving my resentment and anger. These restraints affected my ability to communicate openly with some of my superiors. When we had conflicting interests I was unable to speak out, express myself openly, and protect my interests. Deep within I preserved the victim mentality of a raging teenager. No matter how high on the ladder, even as CEO, I was not free.
Life taught me that freedom does not come with rank, position or title. It is not granted or delegated by others. Neither is it related to being employed or self-employed, I’ve seen enough business owners who live as slaves. To be free is to have a sense of responsibility and ability to navigate my own life. To let go of the victim mentality, the blame and the anger. Today, I do not blame my parents. They did their best and believed they were doing the right thing. I recognize my responsibility for my choices. I have reconciled with my past, therefore I am free to live in the present and to choose my future..
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